enchanted angst

When did the parable of the Sower Become about fear? Warning you about making your heart The right soil Or else Soil can't help if it's got rock underneath Soil can't stop thorns from choking its leaves Soil can't stop birds from eating the seed And besides Even if it could Peter (the Rock) Was basically rocky ground (he denied Jesus 3 times when life got hard) So. It's probably not about salvation? It's probably not about  All the things you preach it's about To make us anxious And obedient And afraid Of a very disapproving god I have been so anxious And obedient And afraid Because of your shitty exegesis Maybe you are the very birds You warn us about.

 "They've fallen off the deep end" Ok Well have you been pushed and pushed By the current of misery Or doubt Or trauma? Have your tidy answers proved insufficient for the tidal wave? Have you watched your textbooks float away while you hold on for dear life? You make it sound like the deep end is a travel destination One I'd pack for  And plan for. When really it's the landing strip Of a plane crash When really it's the only place left Deep enough for all my grief You make it sound like it's hell down here Burning flesh, Gnashing teeth But down here, The only thing I've found in the darkness Is the immense love of God And the love of God absolutely obliterates The tightly packed theology We've neatly labeled in cardboard boxes Did you know cardboard turns to mush in water? Did you know the love of God is meant to be uncaged? Free-range, free-fall, free indeed Did you know it's okay to leave your theories at the shore? But you probably won't...

 The girls are gone this week and so I have a lot of quiet. Quietness always pushes the presence of God right in front of my face, hard to avoid or even look away from. Staring down into my soul - He's here, I'm here. What now? Community has been a buzz word for awhile now, and it gets increasingly triggering for me each time I hear it. Idealized visions about what a community is supposed to be - that's how Christians are supposed to live! If you aren't, you're doing it wrong. You need people. Okay.  But what if the majority of people in my "community" would call me a heretic for the questions I have? What if my closest friends disapprove of how I grieve the hardest season of my life and then leave me? What if my church family does little to support us during our hardest moments? What about my lifelong friend who responded "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away" when I told her about my miscarriage?  Community is messy, they say. Messy? Is that ...

 I decided to create a new blog for personal reasons, and when I created this one I was able to find all my own college blogs that mean so much to me. Win win. I want a blog that I know no one is really reading because this is mostly for myself. I don't want to think about what lurkers will think, I don't want old friends judging me, I want to start completely fresh. So here we are.  I just read a ton of my old posts from college with equal parts nostalgia and cringe. That poor girl, she was trying so hard. She was doing her best in the systems she found herself in.  She was so loved by God.  She sought him within the boxes handed to her despite Him not dwelling in them. He came in from the wild edges of the transcendent and let her find Him even with bad theology, legalism, and performance-based faith. He loved her so.  She struggled, she writhed, she came out at the end with some problematic yet well-intentioned conclusions. He loved her. He healed her. He ans...